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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142742">are we human or are we dancer?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonlali/pseuds/sonlali'>sonlali</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Mentions of Trauma, Cunnilingus, F/F, Mentions of homophobia, Vaginal Fingering, alcohol use, sapphic smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:55:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,887</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonlali/pseuds/sonlali</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As a child, Theo practices escapism through dance. </p><p>As an adult, she practices escapism through dance... and inviting her dance partner for the night to bed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Theodora "Theo" Crain/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Yuletide 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>are we human or are we dancer?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexbatch/gifts">vexbatch</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>vexbatch: Happy Yuletide! I hope you enjoy! </p><p>Thank you to my wonderful beta for all your guidance and support. &lt;3</p><p>Title from "Human" by The Killers</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Theo has known for a while. Or, at the very least, she has had an inkling for a while that the way she thinks about girls is the same way the other girls at her old school thought about boys. She’s not quite sure what to do with this knowledge yet, what it means for herself and her life. She’s heard other kids throw around the phrase “ugh, that’s so gay” and make jokes about boys who kiss boys and girls who kiss girls, so she knows enough to know that the way she looks at girls isn’t something good. It’s not something she should tell people about. </p><p>Theo does the only thing she can think to do when she wants to get out of her own head — she dances. She’s noticed since they moved into Hill House that dancing is the only thing that clears her mind and warms her cold body and makes her feel so completely <i>alive</i>. </p><p>She hates this house. It’s always cold and weird things keep happening and Mom is being so strange. They move all the time, and she likes some houses more than others, but never has Theo wanted to leave a house more than this one. She can’t wait until Dad is done and sells the house and they can finally leave. She doesn’t even care if they make a bunch of money like Dad wants. She just wants to live somewhere else where her chest doesn’t always feel tight and she isn’t always fighting off a chill and she doesn’t feel… really odd things sometimes. </p><p>The only good thing about this house is her dance studio. Theo pops in another tape and presses play, watching as a tall, lithe woman in spandex appears on the screen. She stares, transfixed, as the woman shakes a long blonde ponytail over her shoulder and begins to move like her body is boneless, her hips swaying to the beat. Theo’s breath catches in her chest and she has to force herself to blink.</p><p>No, <i>no</i>, this is exactly why she came to her dance studio this afternoon; she wanted to get out of her head and not think about all these ways that she is different and <i>wrong</i>. Theo shakes her head and rewinds the tape to the beginning. This time she throws herself into imitating the movements, ignoring the way the woman makes her feel and instead focusing on the sweat forming on her forehead, the ache in her muscles, and the way her mind goes blissfully blank as she loses herself in the music thrumming through her body.  </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>The music in the club is so loud that Theo’s bones feel like they are rattling in her body. Her head is pounding and her body feels like it’s vibrating. The club is dark, too dark really. The only light is coming from the obnoxious neon exit sign over the door and an equally bright sign hanging over the bar. The rest of the club is so dimly lit that Theo can barely see the woman currently grinding against her body. </p><p>It’s for the best, honestly. She doesn’t really want to see anything right now. Today had been like a spotlight pinning her in place, a bright hot flame burning her retinas and searing into her skin. She needs to hide in the dark tonight, in the safety of her elbow length gloves and the thudding bass and the painful burn of tequila stinging her throat and numbing her oversensitive nerve endings. </p><p>That little girl today in her office — that little girl with the mousy hair and the too-big eyes and the bright, hopeful heart beating feebly beneath the weight of trauma far beyond her years; that little girl who reminded her so painfully of Nell when she shook her tiny hand — had flooded Theo with a river of pain and white-hot fury and sickening shame. Theo is here tonight to dance until she can banish that revolting cocktail of feelings from her brain, at least temporarily. </p><p>So she throws back another shot and presses closer to the woman, allowing her body’s instincts to take over for her exhausted mind, losing herself in the beat of the music and the heat of a stranger’s body against her own. </p><p>Theo had spotted the woman across the room from where she positioned herself at the bar almost immediately after entering the club. The woman was dancing skillfully, a long sheet of shiny black hair falling across bare shoulders, her hips swaying tantalizingly to the beat. Theo knew she wanted to take the woman back to her bed, but she decided to dance for a while first, waiting for the woman to approach her first, as she knew she would.</p><p>Sure enough, Theo hadn’t been dancing long before she felt a presence at her side and turned to see the woman raising an eyebrow and smirking suggestively. Theo didn’t bother to speak; she simply quirked an eyebrow in return and continued to dance, admiring the light sheen of sweat glistening on the woman’s forehead. Even in the dim light, Theo can tell she’s incredibly beautiful. They dance until Theo’s hair is clinging to the back of her neck with perspiration and the woman’s skin is flushed from exertion. </p><p>She leans in closer, her breath humid against Theo’s cheeks. “Wanna get out of here?”</p><p>Theo gives a single curt nod and leads the way, taking a quick pit stop at the bar to settle their tabs before striding toward the door, knowing her companion for the night will be following. Theo shuts her eyes in the backseat of the cab, enjoying the cool breeze from the car’s AC on her heated skin. </p><p>“I’m Nic, by the way.”</p><p>Theo opens her eyes and turns to face the woman. “Theo.”</p><p>Thankfully, Nic doesn’t press for more conversation, and the rest of the car ride passes in silence. Theo breathes a sigh of relief when she sees that the lights are already off at Shirl’s house. She’s only been living in her sister’s guest house for a couple weeks, but she’s already getting sick of Shirl’s overbearing nature. </p><p>Theo moved here because ever since Nell and Luke followed Steve out west, Shirl has become increasingly more withdrawn from the family. Theo hoped that if she moved closer, she could get Shirl to open up slightly, but so far she’s just been the subject of Shirl’s unasked for mothering. <i>You’ve been staying out awfully late, Theo. Did you even get her name, Theo? Have you talked to Nell lately, Theo?</i> It’s exhausting. </p><p>She unlocks the guest house’s door and braces herself for the moment she will have to touch Nic. Clothing and her gloves provide a barrier from the overwhelming flood of emotions and memories and trauma Theo experiences with each touch, but she knows that the time has come for the gloves to come off. Nic pulls her in for a deep kiss that Theo gasps into as she carefully unpeels her gloves and tosses them onto her nightstand. </p><p>From the first press of Nic’s lips to hers, Theo can feel waves of heartache and pain. Theo leads them back toward her bed, urging Nic back onto the surface and crawling on top of her. Her skin is buzzing and her heart is racing. It’s too much. It’s not enough. It’s a raging tsunami of feelings coursing their way through her bloodstream with so much more intensity than a casual touch.</p><p>This is why Theo picks up so many strangers from bars. She needs this sometimes. Handshakes and fleeting touches make her heart ache with another person’s trauma, but this — pushing someone back into her bed, bringing them pleasure as their memories bring her pain — this is different. This is exactly what her body needs when a patient burrows too deeply underneath her skin. Theo hides from human touch except in these moments in the darkness of her bedroom and tangled in the sheets where she craves it, throws herself directly into the line of fire and allows the touch to consume her entirely.</p><p>Nic moans into her mouth, writhing and crying out beneath Theo’s fingertips. They undress quickly and Theo buries her face between Nic’s legs. It’s so easy to lose herself in the heat of Nic’s body and the smell of her arousal and the sharp taste of her. Nic’s thighs are deliciously thick and Theo pulls back to sink her teeth into one as the other leg clamps against the side of her face while Nic jerks and thrashes on the bed beneath her ministrations. </p><p>She can feel Nic’s demons clawing at the surface in time with the pleasure she is ripping from her body. It’s all the trauma and all the joy swirling together as one and filling Theo until she’s moaning nearly as loudly as Nic when she falls over the edge into orgasm, arching off the bed with one hand tangled in the bedsheets as the other tugs Theo’s hair hard enough to hurt. </p><p>They trade places and Nic mouths at one of Theo’s breasts as she rubs slow circles around her clit with her thumb. A dull roar fills Theo’s ears and she shuts her eyes tightly and allows herself to float away, alternating between pushing into and arching away from the attack on her nervous system. Flashes from Nic’s subconscious drift to the surface, little snippets of <i>abusive ex</i> and <i>crush on a friend</i> and <i>parents’ rejection</i> all fight for Theo’s attention, but she closes her eyes more tightly until bursts of color dance beneath her eyelids. </p><p>Theo grinds down against Nic’s hand and chases the building pleasure until it wins out against the whirlpool of lurking memories, and now all she can feel is her own orgasm barreling toward her. She gasps and moans and bites at her bottom lip so harshly her mouth floods with the coppery taste of blood. Nic’s fingers slow their movement and she plunges her tongue into Theo’s mouth until the tension in Theo’s body finally releases and she melts into the mattress with a sigh. </p><p>She’s boneless and pleasantly empty as Nic rolls off onto the space beside her, breathing heavily. Theo drinks in the sensation of <i>nothingness</i> as their bodies disentangle. This is exactly what she needed after today. The mattress shifts beneath her, and Theo cracks an eye open to see Nic climbing off the bed and retrieving her clothes from where they haphazardly landed on the floor. She sighs in relief that she won’t have to deal with any conversation tonight.</p><p>“That was great, thanks.” Nic’s voice is muffled as she tugs her dress over her head.</p><p>“Yeah, thanks.” Theo nods and reaches for her gloves on the nightstand.</p><p>“See ya.” Nic gives a lazy wave from the doorway, and Theo just jerks her head in response, already thinking about grabbing a beer and settling down with a book before bed.</p><p>Tomorrow will bring Shirl’s questions and the little girl carrying far too heavy a burden and worries about Nell and Luke and all the <i>too much</i> overloading her synapses, but for now, Theo will enjoy her brief respite with a clear mind and clear heart. Tomorrow she will once again don her armor, raise her walls, and prepare to fight.</p>
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